2018: Humblebrags and Vain Humiliations So Far

Humblebrag: All my major social media accounts are in good standing nor have ever Ben suspended for violating the Terms of Service Vain Humiliation: I'm banned and/or "permanently suspended" from Venmo, Uber, and Lyft for, umm, undisclosed reasons. (For brevity's sake, Humblebrag will be truncated to +; likewise, Vain Humiliation will be -.) + Dropped … Continue reading 2018: Humblebrags and Vain Humiliations So Far

Whose Reality Is It Anyways

One love to all the ole homies: NO ONE CARES! So who's trying to get pizza and fuck....wait, soo you don't like pizza?! One day you're one the dollar bill; next week you're in the ditch. Nuff said.

Checking the List Twice…

On a lark earlier that morning I went to Walgreens, and couldn't remember jack shit what I wanted: towel papers, Kleenex, Vicks Vaporub (the booger suger recovery pack); a green Naked smoothie—assuring myself I’ve got my bases covered daily-veggie covered- Peppermint Dr. Bronner’s Soap, and Triple AAA batteries. I dazedly stroll past the condoms like … Continue reading Checking the List Twice…


In this car I neglected the oft-ignored; hydras yourself once an hour.

10 Rules for Partying All Day and Night

I don’t party like I used to (I know my peeps wil call bullshit but STFU, peanut gallery!). For real, my partying career is winding down to a close and through all the triumphs, raucous laughter, spontaneous friendships and hook ups, and so many public humiliations, you’ve lost the capability for embarrassment, I’ve picked up … Continue reading 10 Rules for Partying All Day and Night

Suicide Watch Wednesday

Sheesh, March has got everyone feeling blue, but being green isn't much better. One of the tough things about getting old is that hangovers are serious affairs, like adultery. When you get super high, and start doing math: Songs on repeat: Reality Check- Binary Star White Tiger- Hippie Sabotage Post Malone- Candy Paint Work-Gangstar Simple … Continue reading Suicide Watch Wednesday

The Sultry “Stuck in the Middle with Me”Postscript

“...and then McInnes, like an apparition, appears out of nowhere, just drags me through the wringer one more time.  I was hooked--not on any one high--but on the whole process, and each time I swore it was the last.”

Mona Lisa Lying?

As you can clearly see, she's a fucking sociopath but in that adorable, endearing kind of way all girls are who will destroy your soul then act like it was all a misunderstanding. Forreally though, she's a man-eater, so like all destructively creative people do, we've become pretty good freakin' friends, totally nonjudgmental about the other's glaring flaws.

Snow Days Part 4/4

(The names in this story have been changed to protect their anonymity. The events depicted below took place during the zenith of my debauchery in my 20-something life.) We take turns doing lines in the bathroom, and then I pour a little bit some saline spray- the stuff for your nose. Dopamine fueling our bodies … Continue reading Snow Days Part 4/4

Comics You Should Read #9 Part 1: Galactic Breakdown Series (5 Volumes)

Fuck superhero comics. They were written by celibate dorks for pencil-necked geeks who were relentlessly bullied at school and envisioned themselves in the bodies. Real comics are an art form; think of R. Crumb or Peter Bagge. Not only are their illustrations incredibly stylized and unique, they depict actual humans replete with both ugly flaws … Continue reading Comics You Should Read #9 Part 1: Galactic Breakdown Series (5 Volumes)