The Breakdown of Umich’s Social Scenes 1/5

Greeks: “Are you in a frat?” can be regarded as both sneer and sign of growing curiosity depending on the context. Membership in a fraternity is no guarantor of limitless pussy; renowned for their haphazard ways with women, Triangle T-shirt’s turn the nether regions of every female within 20 yards of the owner.

Fraternities are self-absorbed with their “tier” ranking; members of the top frats generally carry themselves with an unearned, nearly delusional level of self-confidence (based on a few Greek letters). They generally view the prettiest sororities as their exclusive domain (and this aggro-possessive belief these young women are for them and them only…and that’s how rape happens, boys and girls,

Includes- Interfraternity Council, Panhellenic Community, old fraternity houses with no official university recognition for their flippant attitudes towards the rules and sanctions of the university administrators , who are mostly phegs anyways.

Uniform- (Female) Northface coat, Ugg boots, gladiator sandals, Lululemon yoga pants, white low-top Chuck Taylor’s, every store hawking overpriced T-shirt’s and dresses. (Male) Canada Goose jacket, Timberland boots, throwback jerseys for any professional sports team, Greek/Michigan apparel, Nike Air Max’s, Chuck Taylor’s

Allies- None, save for a few open-minded hipsters.

Enemies- Everyone, including the FOBs, and they don’t know why.

Can be found- Skeeps, Ref Room, Washtenaw, Hill & Tappan, Ross

Drug(s) of choice- weed, xanax, cocaine

Likely career paths: investment banker, any corporate gig, wherever their dad works, waiter, rehab enthusiast.

Next up will be the Nerds, FOBs, Hippie-Stinky Woods, and, finally, in a glorious twist of fate- the true-believing hipsters.


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