Humblebrag: All my major social media accounts are in good standing nor have ever Ben suspended for violating the Terms of Service
Vain Humiliation: I’m banned and/or “permanently suspended” from Venmo, Uber, and Lyft for, umm, undisclosed reasons.
(For brevity’s sake, Humblebrag will be truncated to +; likewise, Vain Humiliation will be –.)
+ Dropped my most deleterious drug habits.
– I ain’t completely sober, and when I am, either you or me significantly bores the hell out of the other; also, there’s a slight chance we’re both bores.
+ Except for the annual pity-party I have for myself on New Year’s -thus rendering me completely unattractive–I haven’t had a problem sleeping with girls this year.
– Although I was obliterated off a unique cocktail of party favors, I did indeed smash a chick with a missing tooth (as I discovered later with the aid of a harsh and disinfectant ray of light ).
+Developed a morning ritual to stave off feelings of existential despair and meaningless the second upon waking up.
-Still chronically depressed and disillusioned.
+Have quickly met and established a fun network of friends.
-99% positive I sharted in a room alone with 3 cute girls.
+Honed my honesty with myself when critically reviewing my strengths and weaknesses.
-WOW IVE BEEN DICKING AROUND TOO MUCH.
+Been thanked for sex.
— I’ve used Viagra more than once but -less than five times, which is fewer than compliments received–statistically significant even.
+The majority times I’ve ingested Viagra have been for sport-fucking purposes, not out of necessity.
-The less description I furnish these girls with, the more my ego is assuaged.
+Have become completely financially independent.
-I sleep on a air mattress.
+Have made a valiant attempts to redress past wrongdoings that I’ve wrongfully committed against someone else.
-Still a major work in progress.
+Have become comfortable with paradoxes. e.g. the less I covet something, more abundant my supply of that object will be.
– Boring, straight, and neat facts rule the order of the day–most days. My blockheadness refuses to abide by this immutable law of the universe.
+True passion requires no inspiration for its demonstration.
_Unfortunately, inspiration is usually the catalyst for passion.
+I’ve offended more people than I ever have in my previous 20-something years.
-Turns out, I had a lot of best friends who were never friends at all. Jerks!! (Jk, you’re pussies.)