10 Rules for Partying All Day and Night

I don’t party like I used to (I know my peeps wil call bullshit but STFU, peanut gallery!). For real, my partying career is winding down to a close and through all the triumphs, raucous laughter, spontaneous friendships and hook ups, and so many public humiliations, you’ve lost the capability for embarrassment, I’ve picked up a shit ton of wisdom that needs to be passed down to these young cats before they fuck themselves irreparably (I’m looking at you, you Tide Pod eating retards). Fight for your right to party, as the Beastie Boys spoke for adolescents and young people everywhere, but responsibly destroy your body and social relationships. Sheesh, here we go:

  1. Drink water once an hour. Dehydration is what ruins every buzz. From cocaine to hooch, drink up.
  2. Sometime during the debauchery, you must force yourself to eat at least once, even if the adderall makes every food unappetizing (pro tip: greasy meat somehow is delectable on stimulants).
  3. Quit when the coke’s doing all the work. I don’t care if you’re still semi-coherent; you’ve drank over a fifth of whiskey and a 6-pack, trust me: you’d be passed out behind a dumpster in a pile of your own puke if the cocaine kept your body moving.
  4. When mixing drugs, monitor booze intake. Alcohol (naturally it’s the legal drug) combined with other substances are the cause of many (most?) drug fatalities. Also, regulate bumps and redosing, kiddos.
  5. You’ve been loaded for 18 hours straight? STOP! It’s no fun any longer, and getting fucked up will feel like a job.
  6. Baby speedballs only motherfuckers. For example, xanbars and addies are awesome together if taken in the correct dosage. You’ll turn into a social beast, and no babe will seem out of your league with your slick, witty tongue. Toss in a few bars and you’re money. DON’T do coke and heroin together. Doing it once is already playing Russian Roulette; playing it all day will result in death.
  7. Never cockblock another dude when he’s clearly got a chance and youo’re out of the running. It’s poor sportsmanship and you’ll come off as a bitter basement dweller. Plus, what goes around comes around; you can either cement yourself a big-hearted wingman or a celibate competitor.
  8. Who cares if you’re getting rejected all night? Shit, I know more than most that rejection hurts like a bitch, but going to bed alone night after night is some depressing ass shit, and 10x worse than the temporary sting of rejection.
  9. Prepare all-day escapades beforehand. If you and three buddies plan on drinking booze all day (starting before noon), one 8-ball isn’t going to cut it. Grab a qT, because your degenerate asses are gonna blow through it all and nothing’s worse than running out of yak halfway through the day, and then everybody tries ringing up their dude. Best case scenario: y’all end up playing the waiting game for two hours for your man to show up. Worst case: you’re all shitfaced at 2 PM and have no rocket fuel to get the party started again. You may have to sleep off the booze for a few hours, and hope you don’t wake up with a hangover. This will halt a banger quicker than anything.
  10. HAVE FUN FAGGOTS! You’re partying aka celebrating and if you’re not having fun, no pretty young thing will want to have fun with you. I know, that seems like a tautology, but women are emotional beings that live in the moment more than men and they feed off energy. If you’re acting like Colonel Bum Out, you’re draining everyone else’s good energy; likewise, every living pussy around will dry up into the Sahara Desert-I’ve heard it.

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