(This is an hyperbolic account of a personal story of mine from two years ago. This is a judge-free zone, right?!)
Clearly, that obstacle was hurdled long ago. Anyways, fortune favors the bold, so they say, and most guys I knew we were too pussified to cross into that rarefied air of uninhibited sexual conversation with women they had just met, unless they were blackout drunk and would never remember anything the next morning.
So, one of the other friends- the short-haired, tan brunette- asked if I had ever came in a chicks’ face.
“All the time,” I answered. “‘I mean, more often than not.”
The fat friend giggled as if I were full of shit. I wasn’t. “What’s so funny?” I asked her, grinning ear-to-ear.
The tan friend went on, “So what do you do? Ask her first?”
“Fuckkkk nooo. I just blast off in their face….Asking in the first place is asking to be turned down.”
It went silent for a second.
“It’s fucked up, but I think a lot of it is just what society’s told you or what’ve you experienced before. How can you know if you like something if you’ve never tried it?”
They all gave me a pregnant stare.
“…wait, no dude has ever came in your face?”
I ask the pretty blonde that was smoking outside with Lauren. She shakes her head.
I realized then I was among of a bunch of facial virgins. Then, some dweeby-looking dude straight out of “The Big Bang Theory” sits down with us.
I ask him if he’s ever given a girl a facial. He just laughs, convivial but a little uncomfortable.
I press forward with the short-haired blonde-“So, honestly, no guy’s ever shot one on your face? Not even by accident?!”
Now she’s getting uncomfortable. I turn to the to the tan brunette and pose the same question. She tells me she prefers it on her belly or in a condom.
“A condom?!” I yell incredulously. “What a waste! Sure, the cleanup is easy, but it takes away all the fun messiness.”
“You’re disgusting,” she giggles. “I wonder what all your girlfriends thought of that.”
“They loved it,” I assured her cockily.
“Plus, condoms are so restrictive. First of all, it,s like a tourniquet for my dick. And secondly, how would you feel if I pulled out a ripped-off piece of a trash bag and told to cover your pussy with it?”
“Fair point,” she conceded.
They’re all smiling more and more, from the booze and my conversation–well, that’s what I conceited let tell myself.
I told them I was going out for a smoke.
Lauren, who had been quiet for most of this conversation, joined me. I told her I would meet her outside while I went to the bathroom to snort half a roxy.
It was snowing hard when I went outside and I had no coat on. Everyone else outside huddled around in a circle, smoking their cigarettes and complaining about the cold.
I felt fine, although I was itching my nipples again because the oxy made inside the bar feel like a sweatbox.
Lauren explained to me that the short-haired blonde and the goober were dating. And they had only been with each other. Hence, he awkwardness.
Eric and Tim come outside and tell me we’ve got to get going. They provide no reason.
I asked Lauren for her number and a kiss on the cheek. She obliged then went inside.Eric and Tim had been arguing the whole time, and I think Eric was getting sick of it, because he left the bar in fine form, drunk as shit, half-yelling at Tim.
On the way home Eric was being a fucking dick, but I think it was because Katrina- his new girlfriend- had poisoned her mind. She thought I was a bit of a degenerate. I don’t blame her, though.
First time I met her had been the time Eric picked my brother and I from the casino 10 am Sunday morning. We were there since 2am.
She was pretty, in that girls-who-never-leave-suburban-Detroit kinda way, and she spoke authoritatively, as if she knew more than jack shit about the world…which she didn’t.
Fubar-ed, Eric said he was gonna be the first to get married because Tim didn’t know what he wanted (well, fuckin’ a, obviously), and that I was too in love with myself. It was tough to tell if he was complaining or lamenting the fact.I guess he was right: I hadn’t gotten laid since before Thanksgiving, and I was fine jerking off over the past few weeks.